Friday, November 12, 2010

TGIF?

Thank god (aka the kitties) it's Friday? Friday's aren't as exciting when you haven't worked all week. Oh, excuse me, worked outside of the home all week. jet lag is getting slightly better, only awake for few mins at 2 am and then woke up for good at 5. I do have to wonder if I would have slept longer if it wasn't for a certain Siamese's cat fit that ensued at 5am. It's hard to say.

My poor friend Jen made the mistake of telling me I wasn't and didn't seem stressed. hahaha I think i verbally punched her in the gut. I guess maybe I'm stressed about strange things revolving unemployment. Maybe it's just money and insurance, or lack of both. Maybe I think I should be stressed so I'm trying to be? I have some anxiety about things, but I'm not worried. If that makes sense. I hate having to say "sorry I can't go there, i'm broke" or just not going places because I shouldn't/can't spend money on frivolous things like dinner out, shows, and booze. Though I really like them all. I need to pay my mortgage.

I often talk about living in the van. But I'm not sure I'm ready. and it's cold. We have the heat set between 57 and 60 because natural gas is actually quite expensive. The kitchen is warmer, it's cordoned off and we have a little oil filled electric heater in here. It does a great job and is fairly inexpensive to operate.

So back to Jen. I tried to describe the feelings on inadequacy, embarrassment etc. and told her and CR that I know understood why I've heard other laid off people say they can't be around the people they were working with.

It's interesting to see yourself react to something in a way you'd never had suspected. I'm shocked that I care what other people at that firm think of me. I didn't like nor have respect for most of them. I'm relieved I never have to step foot there again. But somehow I hate thinking that they think they are better then me. Do I think they are better then me? No, but they were a better fit there. They belong there, I don't.

I am thankful for what I have, I've worked hard to get it. But it's just stuff and things. I can be happy in a van if I'm doing what I want to do. I've lived too much of my life doing what I didn't want to do. 11 years of a hell marriage, many years working at places I've hated. It's time I did what I want to do. What's best for me. And to end on a corny cliche note! I'm looking forward to a new chapter in this book of my life!

No comments: